Journeys With Anxiety

As he pressed lightly, one finger on my jaw, one on my arm, I suddenly felt a deep rooted fear come up. I didn't understand what was happening, but after many many years of explorations into my body, I rode the wave. Suddenly I noticed my whole upper body was going numb, tingly; my breathing was quickening. Was I starting to hyperventilate? What was happening? I wanted to lash out, punch, scream, SOMETHING. But instead, I just breathed, just observed, and heard a gentle voice " its okay, you're safe"; the voice of my practitioner. I lay resting shortly after, still trembling.

No, this was not a shamanic journey or esoteric experience I was having (though it could be interpreted that way) . This was my second session with Osteopathy. I decided to try this bodywork modality out, after dealing with many years of chronic muscle and joint tightness and occasional pain. I understood Osteopathy could be helpful to help re-align and assist healing of soft tissue, vertebrae and overall body alignment. I did not expect that it would help unleash and unblock this storm under my skin.

When I was in my twenties, I started experiencing episodes of depression and anxiety. I did not understand them at the time, and just took it to be "my personality". I was always a bit withdrawn, preferring to be alone, or around people, but not necessarily integrating. I did become more social in my twenties and thirties, but still often preferred alot of time on my own.

In my twenties, I began to explore the deeper aspects of my feelings with meditation, energy work, and other modalities. I soon discovered that underneath that "hard" surface, I mistook for toughness, strength, was something so deeply buried, that in order to keep it hidden, I had to keep everyone at arms distance emotionally, to keep them, and myself safe. I think I was unconsciously afraid of what was underneath. As time went on, I discovered that much of this was fear and grief, and since then, I have continuously worked to try to free those parts of myself, understanding that this process takes time, and can not be rushed.

Many years later, now I found myself having these experiences, while thinking to myself, how much more can I uncover? It felt like a never-ending bucket at times. What I reminded myself of is that the body, which holds onto the memories, the learned patterns and behaviors, takes alot longer to "heal" and "re-learn" another way of being, then the mind does. Sometimes I found I was still caught up in a form of depression, which I do feel is not uncommon, in today's world. But more often then not, I felt a chronic, ongoing, mild anxiety, simmering in the pit of my belly, which I still do currently, at times. I sometimes feel this regardless of the state of my world, my present circumstances, or happiness and satisfaction levels. After this bodywork session, I came to understand it a bit more: I was afraid to fully let myself "be okay", or "relax" , or let my guard down. It was like a constant feeling of impending doom. Why is this here?

Sometimes, chronic anxiety can be rooted in buried, unexpressed emotions, that stay alive in the body. These emotions can also create a self-protective "barrier" around themselves, keeping themselves alive in our bodies. This can create a feeling of "un-safety" in the body; a body not at peace; a body that is yelling out to be acknowledged in some way. A body that is not grounded and secure. This is what personally resonates with me, but it might be different for you.

If I ask myself when I'm anxious, where are my thoughts? Are they in the present? The answer is usually : no. They are most commonly rooted in the "possible" future, or (unconsciously sometimes) reacting from a past experience. This kind of self-reflection has been absolutely essential in my journey with anxiety and depression. How can I heal what I don't understand?

When we begin to delve deep into our feelings and emotions, we can finally begin to get a clearer picture as to what our anxiety or depression is really telling us. This is not for the faint of heart. This journey takes courage. But the rewards can be priceless in uncovering who YOU really are. Because when we can free those hidden parts of us, we are more free to express our inner truth, our inner wisdom and passion, whatever that may be for you.

Sometimes we need someone to hold our hand in this journey.

Please ask for help.

There are many on this journey with you. We are never alone. Our stories are meant to be shared.

Thanks for listening to mine.

Be well,

Silvia

If you need assistance with your anxiety or other mood challenges, you can book a free consultation with me here:

I would be honored to assist you in your journey.